The Ten Commandments of Nigerian Politics

(Or How to Hook the Naija Mugu)

A black notebook is discovered in a loo, 20,000 feet above Abuja. It contains political secrets so ‘explosive’ that its owner has to deny it. Here’s the first of ten recently discovered commandments designed for the aspiring politician.

The full PDF is available here and you would be mad not to read it all…

10 Commandments of Nigerian Politics

then again, reading it might just drive you mad, or worse… decisions, decisions… anyhow, here’s the first of ten commandment.

The Ten Commandments

No. 1

Don’t Hit the Big People. Hit the Little People

Ice Water’s problem was that he hit a Big Woman. That was a big mistake. To succeed in Politics, you must never hit the big people. Always focus on the little people, the Naija mugus. Although the little people are much more powerful, they don’t know it. So it is safer to scam them, as politicians have been doing for more than fifty years now. Hit a Nigerian big man once, and he will send an assassin to your house. Hit Nigeria’s little people from now till Jesus comes back and they will still be hailing you as their chief.

I know your second question:

what’s the point? After all, little people have no money.Wrong. Last year, 19 billion dollars entered the federal account of 140 million Nigerians. Go and multiply that. That is not a small amount of money. The year before they budgeted 4 trillion Naira to take care of this same 140 million little people. Do you know how many zeros are behind that four? I see. Your job as a politician is to position yourself between that money and the 140 million mugus that own it.

Look, government is the biggest 419 business around. You have to build your own conduit pipe from the national budget to your clubhouse. You are right to be afraid of the anger of 140 million people. If they all get angry at the same time, you should be very sorry for yourself. It doesn’t take many hands to lynch a thief and it is a very dangerous thing to steal from a street of only twenty people, how much more from a country of 140 million people. But Nigerians can only talk. Believe you me, their anger finishes at the door of the beer parlour. If they ever riot, it will be to kill themselves. They will never rise against politicians. They are stupid. You are safe. Take it from me, I am talking with more than fifty years’ experience.

But the problem is how to become an elected politician, not so? Easy.

Commandment No. 2 (Clinching the Nomination) continues here