Zukiswa Wanner

No. This is not some deeply thought out analysis of the problem with the continent. It is this author being power-hungry (a prelude to power-madness) and figuring out what would happen if Kwame and other pan-Africanists’ beautiful but unrealistic (because we are all so fragmented) dream of a united continent came true and she was President. And yes, I had to make the above disclaimer because some people are just too serious! Anyhoo, how would I run Africa?

It will obviously be tough for me in the beginning because, despite a majority of women on the continent, most of us still believe that men are the true anointed rulers (even when we have prior evidence that they cannot run a household). So my innovative way of getting the continent to vote for me would entail sending very personalised SMSs to each and every individual on the MTN network continentally – that should give me at least a third of the electorate. I would get my other third from great adverts and some endorsements by Nollywood and Generations actors. Failing to get the two thirds majority, I would plead to my maternal uncles in Zim (think C10) to sommer make a plan and ensure that I win.

Ministerial Code of Conduct

Nkosi Sikelel’a (adapted to different continental languages) being the most sung anthem on the continent will by default be the UA anthem. All Ministers are expected to learn it in at least three languages. It is a beautiful continent – all Ministers will be expected to take their holidays somewhere in the Union of Africa. Travel off the continent will only be for state visits. There will be lifestyle audits for all Ministers to ensure that they do not put their fingers in the cookie jar and pay is docked if Ministers are seen dressing in clothes not made by designers from this continent.  Saville Row suits, anything Italian, or French will result in disciplinary action in addition to the docked pay. Judges wearing white wigs and black gowns will be executed. So too mayors in chains and ridiculous red gowns. In pledging allegiance to the continent, the Ministers are expected to recite an edited version of ‘I Am an African.’

The Ministries

Uhhm, being Zambian-born of a South African and Zimbabwean union, I suppose that covers the three countries somewhat. But as this is a patriarchal world, we could claim South Africa is the only one covered. So there you have it, President is South African (and no folks. This is not South Africa thinking that although seated at the bottom, we are on top of the continent. It’s just that it is a South African who got the idea and, thanks to my Zimbabwean uncles, won the elections to be Executive President of the Union of Africa). And oh, my being president will mean  that we will not require that weird ministry called Women’s Affairs that some countries on this continent see fit to have.

Prime Minister – Seeing that I had this idea while chatting with a Kenyan friend on Facebook, I would probably give the Kenyans the Prime Ministerial role. I think they are pretty good in this position if Raila id anything to go by. I figure if I get pissed off at my cabinet, I could get a Raila-like character to fire the lot without any dirt on my hands. I would then change the decision if it appeared the union members (electorate) did not welcome the decision – and blame it on my Prime Minister’s over-enthusiasm.

Vice-President – No question about it, Nigeria. Judging from observation in recent years, Nigerians in the Vice-Presidency never get sick. Additionally, a Vice-Presidency is powerful enough for the continent’s most populous nation although it is ever so unclear what it is a Vice President does so  there is little mischief a la 419 scams to be done in the position (satire my Nigerian friends).

Finance – We will give this to Tanzania. More money for social spending (hospitals and schools) but less for infrastructure. As we have such a caring ministry of  finance, this means we will not waste resources on having a Ministry of Social Welfare. Another reason why we would give this to the Tanzanians is that they are just such nice people – and we are hoping less prone to corruption in this important portfolio. But if Tanzanian roads are anything to go by, what would happen to a budget for infrastructure?  Worry not my people. We would utilise the youth in the villages to build roads and rail (or upgrade the ones existing) thereby ensuring work creation and some sort of short-term guarantee that there is no influx of the unemployed to the cities. Our successor will deal with the influxes and we will thus go down in history as the President who gave people jobs (please note that in practicing for the position, we are already using the Presidential ‘we’ instead of ‘I’).

Arts – Because the President is an artist, this has suddenly become a very important Ministry. To ensure that fellow artists are well-taken care of, this Ministry is put in the hands of a nation that seems to have respect for its artists – Senegal. The Ministry of Arts and Culture will be responsible for ensuring that African artists are considered the standard worldwide  – in other words if the Minister does her/his  job well, we expect that in conversation and reviews people will say, ‘James Mitchell is truly the Wole Soyinka of English literature,’ ‘Antoinette Sarkozy is the Angelique Kidjo of French music’ and maybe even ‘Hollywood is the American Nollywood.’

Home Affairs – No doubt about it, we would definitely give this important ministry to Libya. Home Affairs officials are supposed to be tough and no-nonsense people. With Brother Leader’s training of immigration officials and their manning all African borders, we can be certain that there will be no more illegal immigrants (or legal but unwanted) on the continent. Chinese or otherwise.

Ministry of Foreign Affairs/ International Relations – This is a bit of a toss-up. Our friends in the West seem to love Botswana so we might give that large country with a small population this ministry. And then again when we are finally a united continent with the resources in our hands, do we really need any one’s approval? We would therefore give this to Ghana. Their experience in being the first independent African nation (yay) which later found itself declaring that it was a Highly Impoverished Poor Country (uhhm) stand them in good stead. It means they know just the right things to say to those Bretton Woods institutions – IMF and World Bank – and that’s what we require in this portfolio.

Defence – We categorically refuse to give this ministry to a nation but rather to a person. The individual who gets this job must apply for it and can be from anywhere on the continent. They must show firm commitment to the tenets of Pan-Africanism and to atheism (or at most be an agnostic) to ensure that our fellow Africans do not destroy human resources unnecessarily by slaughtering each other because of their tribal loyalties or religious beliefs. At the first sign of religious or tribal unrests, our Minister of Defence will be expected to gather the perpetrators of religious or tribal warfare in  South African stadia that will have no use after 2010 World Cup and get well-trained soldiers to shoot to kill. That should deter further unrests of this kind and create a continent of tolerance. If it does not quite work that way, we could just consider it a form of population control and repeat any time there are unrests (we are also warning all those upstart trade unions who seem to think money grows on trees here).

Agriculture – South Africans will tell you that they believe Thabo Mbeki kept Dr. Manto-Tshabalala Msimang as  Health Minister for purely sentimental reasons. We would give this ministry to Egypt for purely sentimental reasons too. The shaduf!

Health – Like defence, this is a position that will have to be applied for. The minister must be a qualified healthcare professional and should send proof to the Presidency that they have managed to recruit African healthcare workers in Europe, US, and Australasia to come back and ply their trade back home. The position requires someone with great persuasive powers (not you Morgan).

Additional Ministries

Ministry of Indigenisation - We are definitely giving this to Zimbabwe. Fifty one percent for locals, and 49 percent other investors. It is a better deal than African investors get from anywhere else in the world and imagine what we could do when we have all our resources in our control? No car shall be in a queue for longer than five minutes for petrol.

Ministry of Lobola and Culture– Some of you uncultured people may not think this is an important ministry but it is very much a necessity. This is the Minister who regulates the minimum (and maximum) amount that can be paid for lobola. Because of their experience in this long-held cultural practice, we shall give this portfolio to Swaziland. (please note, under the Wanner presidency, lobola is taxable income). An important cultural practice like polygamy will stay in place. But being that culture is dynamic, women will be allowed to take more than one husband just as men are allowed to take more than one wife. Your future President awaits applications from my First Gentlemen!

Please note – The ministries of Education and Justice are available. The future President will take suggestions for these ministries (and arguments for or against the ones listed above). We promise to read your recommendations carefully but as only the President knows what is good for the continent, we do not promise to act on them.